My Journey to Health

This post is definitely not an easy one for me to write.  Sharing my body image and eating disorder struggles with the whole world is really scary for me to do.  Sharing personal details about your life kind of comes with the territory though when you start blogging.  It's important to share my story on this blog to show the reasons why I believe so strongly in healthy living and moderation.  Hopefully my story can help others who are struggling with the same issues.

My eating disorder and body image issues started when I was 13.  I wasn't really overweight, but I had a little extra chunk around my middle like a lot of girls that age do.  I compared myself to my friends who were built differently than me.  Boys in school would tease me about being fat and I finally decided it was time to do something about it.

My brother and I at a Giant's game when I was 13

I started going to kickboxing and yoga classes at the gym with my friends.  People started noticing that I was losing weight and I felt so much better about myself.  I decided to start changing my diet by cutting out fast food, soda, and sweets.  I kept a food journal and wrote down the things that I ate everyday.  Once I started doing that, the weight came off really quickly (although, I didn't really have a ton of weight to lose from the start).  I liked the way I looked and the attention I was getting for looking so much better.  I started eating less while upping my time in the gym.  I would restrict myself to 400-800 calories a day while doing 2 classes in the gym after school.  I obsessed about what I ate and wrote down everything I put in my mouth (even if it was just a few bites).  After only 3 months, I had lost 40 pounds.  My period stopped (which meant I wasn't getting the proper nutrition for my body to function normally), I felt tired all the time, and I withdrew from my friends.

When I was at my lowest weight of 95 lbs

Worst of all, my body image was completely distorted.  When I looked in the mirror all I saw was fat. Lots of people were worried about me and would ask me if I was eating.  I would always tell them yes because in my mind, I was just eating healthy and exercising.  I would think, "Why is everyone so worried about me, I'm so fat!" (Anorexia truly is a psychological disease)  Eventually, my family had an intervention with me; they told me they loved me and were worried.  My mom started taking me to the doctor and the nutritionist. At first I was really upset and wouldn't cooperate with the nutritionist or the doctor.  I resented my family and my friends for forcing me to eat and stop exercising.

It took time for me to start eating normally and exercising less.  I felt sick and fat with every bite of food I took.  I still couldn't understand why everyone was forcing me to eat more.  I remember at one doctor's visit, the doctor told me she wanted me to get my weight back up at 135 and I cried the entire ride home.  It was a very emotional time for me and I really struggled with gaining the weight.

I continued to see a nutritionist and she had me set higher calorie goals each day.  She taught me about fueling my body with healthy, whole foods and listening to my body's hunger signals.  My big sister moved in with us and she helped me a lot with my recovery.  She would exercise with me and we would cook dinner together.  She helped teach me that it was okay to eat a few sweets and healthy fats in moderation.  We had long talks about why I felt the need to be so thin.  She helped me to realize that the road I was going down was not a healthy one; spiritually, mentally, or physically.  She was like a live in therapist for me and was my biggest supporter at the time.

My big sisters and I.  I love them so much!

I eventually gained weight and was able maintain my weight through high school.  I was still technically underweight until my junior year when my weight plateaued and stayed in a healthy range.  I continued to struggle with my body image though and still viewed myself as fat.  My body image didn't really change until I went to college and met Scott.  He helped me feel beautiful and since being with him, I have felt comfortable in my own skin.  I still have my good days and bad days but I've learned to focus on eating healthy rather than the number on the scale.  Now I try my best to listen to my body instead of obsessing about calories.  I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full (at least I try really hard to...sometimes food is just too good!)  I'm definitely not "skinny" but I'm healthy and happy; that's all that matters to me.

Me today: healthy, happy and married to the love of my life

My goal for this blog is to uplift others, to help them to stop dieting and listen to their bodies.  I want to help others to see themselves as beautiful, no matter what size they are.  Hopefully through this blog I can inspire other people to be healthy, inside and out.